Four years ago, God blessed my husband and I with the most precious gift of a baby boy, Bryce. We conceived quickly and were thankful for a healthy pregnancy and delivery. Everything seemed just perfect. Little did we know that the next few years would be full of heartache, pain, and hopelessness as God led us on a journey of five miscarriages in a row. This is our story… A story of God’s ultimate healing.
Less than two years after Bryce was born, I decided to try again for another child. After only two months, I was pregnant again. Oh, how wonderful it was! As a control freak, I was convinced “my plan” of timing out this pregnancy was just right. Our second child would be born the same month as Bryce had been born, so if it was another boy, I wouldn’t have to buy a thing! All of my maternity clothes would be in just the right seasons. Needless to say, I had quite a false sense of control.
As a couple of weeks passed, I just didn’t quite feel pregnant. I never had the early pregnancy symptoms that I had experienced with Bryce. I knew every pregnancy is different, but my gut told me something was wrong. At seven weeks along, I began to spot. When I first saw the slight bleeding, I didn’t panic, as I knew this could be implantation bleeding. However, by the end of my work day, the bleeding was much heavier. Full of questions, swollen eyes, and heavy hearts, I headed over to the emergency room.
We were shocked to experience cold, uncompassionate doctors who did not seem to understand that a miscarriage is not something we deal with on an everyday basis, I do understand that these doctors see miscarriages everyday in their practice, but to a hurting mother who is in the process of losing a child, it is devastating. A simple pat on the shoulder and a kind word would have been so appreciated. We were even told, “We don’t do ultrasounds after five o’clock, so you will have to wait until the morning to see if your baby is still alive.”
Totally numb, we walked out of the hospital feeling worse than ever. All night long, I waited for the cramping to begin, but it never did. The next morning, our hope was renewed during the ultrasound when we saw a seven week old baby with a beating heart on the screen. Oh, how we rejoiced! That afternoon, I sat at my bedroom window for hours, begging God to save our child.
By the next day, my bleeding got much worse, so we headed back to the doctor’s office. Emptiness. The screen was empty…totally black and dark. Nothing was there. Less than 24 hours before, our child was on that screen. Now, there was nothing.
I left the doctor’s office that day, holding hands with a heart full of questions. “Where was our baby?” “Why did this happened to our baby?” “What caused this to happen to our baby?” Our baby…
Our friends and family did the best they could to comfort and support us. But, oh…how people just say the wrong things to hurting moms who lose a child to miscarriage! There are so many lies, myths, and misconceptions regarding miscarriages, and most people manifest those ideas in attempting to comfort a mom. Many people said to me: “Oh, you were working too hard.” “You have too much stress.” “That child probably would have had health problems.” And the worst statement, “You can have more children in the future.”
I just wanted to scream at them… “But we wanted THIS child…handicaps and all. Maybe I CAN’T have more children, but regardless, THIS one was taken from us and we WANTED it!”
After my first miscarriage in February of 2009, I went on to experience four more losses in the next two years. By the last two miscarriages, I never even bothered to go to the doctor. I got very good at “dealing with it.” I’m not just speaking of the emotional effects, but the physical effects on my body as well. As soon as I would see spotting around five-seven weeks of pregnancy, I knew exactly what would happen with my body in the following week.
All five miscarriages were the same on my body, but EACH one was so different on me emotionally. As every child is different, I was affected differently by each miscarriage. My third miscarriage left the greatest impact on me. One reason is because I carried it the longest. The entire ten weeks, I knew to expect the worse. I never had a single pregnancy symptom. I knew my hormones were not high enough for me to experience the normal early pregnancy cues. Since this baby was ten weeks along, when I passed it I was able to see my baby. Yes, I saw a precious, sweet face that only a mother and God could love. I saw the right and left sides of his little brain. I saw his eyes. I saw his nostrils. I saw his mouth. I saw the face of my child.
This wasn’t just a “fetus” to me. It was a baby. A baby, who we later learned through genetic testing was a boy. He was a child of God…a masterpiece created by the same God who rules the universe. For reasons I’ll never understand this side of heaven, God chose to take that precious child from me. But, I am comforted to know and believe that God loved this child as well.
“From birth I was cast upon you; from your mother’s womb you have been my child.” Psalm 22:10
“Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, and before you were born, I consecrated you.” Jeremiah 1:15
During those terrible two years of five miscarriages, my biggest regret is not seeing a specialist earlier. A lot of unnecessary heartache and pain happened because I never sought further help beyond my normal gynecologist.
In November of 2010, I was referred to Dr. Payne at PREG by my sister-in-law who was having trouble conceiving. From the moment JJ and I sat down to meet with Dr Payne at the consultation, I felt comfortable. With tears in my eyes, I told him our complete story and medical history. He never talked over my head or in “doctor language.” He was always very sensitive to the fact that we had lost five children. I was not just another patient to Dr. Payne. He knew me. He knew my name, and he knew my story. One day, he was introducing me to a new nurse and rattled off my entire medical history from the top of his head. I trusted Dr Payne.
Oh, Nurse Carolyn! I’ve told her more than once that she is my best friend! No one else in the world knew my cycle or my “timed relations” schedule like Carolyn! I’ve never trusted a doctor or a nurse like I trusted Carolyn. I actually still have her direct line programmed on speed dial!
After many tests that all came back negative, it was finally determined that I was ovulating very late in my cycle. I have long cycles, and I usually don’t ovulate until around days 21-25. Dr. Payne formulated a “recipe” of medications for me in order to force my body to ovulate sooner. In only one month, I went from ovulating on day 23 to ovulating on day 15. I only prayed the medicine would work…and it DID! Not only did I ovulate on time, but I am currently 24 weeks pregnant! The day I graduated from PREG, Dr. Payne was more excited that me! I even begged him to deliver this baby, but I eventually went back to a normal gynecologist!
Miscarriage is a taboo subject. Those of us who have experienced one or many miscarriages live in a secret society, as many women never tell anyone about their experience. I too was very private while suffering during those two years of my losses. But, I am now determined not to let my miscarriages be a secret. God has healed my body and my heart. He is giving me another child in January. I want to shout from the rooftops what God had done in our lives.
In multiple aspects of my life, God had given me more trials in my 30 years of life than most people endure in a lifetime. One common thread between all of my trials is that God continually gives me opportunities to share my experiences. When I see how sharing my story encourages other hurting people, I know my pain was not in vain. It is extremely healing for me to share my story so that other people may be encouraged during their journey.
In January, I will see the face of another little baby boy. A sweet gift of life. Oh, how I pray I will never take his life for granted or forget that he had five siblings come and go before him. He is a miracle. “For this child I prayed; and the Lord answered my prayer.” 1 Samuel 1:27.
Jeanna Beasley
